BATH: This
is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves.
You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the
person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance
away.
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their
person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include
staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction,
or lying down.
DOG
BED: any soft,
clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or
the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.
To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look
sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their
laps.
GARBAGE
CAN: A container
which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity.
You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with
your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine
wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
GOOSE
BUMPS: A maneuver to use as a last resort
when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....
especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your
tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not,
you can always sniff their crotches.
LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place
your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and
inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes
you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.
SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe
your whiskers clean.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary
to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting,
rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes,
and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket
and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes
home.
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