Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--a lot.
Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.
Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their
beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective
bark, bark, bark...
Chasing
Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never--quite--catch
them. It spoils all the fun.
Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry; eat a shoe.
Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.
Dining
Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner,
especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food
that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your
sniffing.
Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved
for the family dog to sleep.
Going for Walks: Rules of the road: When out for
a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom
on your own lawn.
Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break
as much of the house as possible.
Holes:
Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting
your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they
won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side
of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never
enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help
correct this problem.
Licking: Always
take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking
your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your
human a towel.
Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while
playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed
in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the
flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
The
Art of Sniffing:
Humans like to
be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to
accommodate them.
Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across
the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its
face and growl gently to show your concern.
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